I left the school with tears in my eyes. It was the very first time I am leaving my ‘sh2’ with someone else. For the past two years, I never left him with anyone else. He has never been with anyone other than me and  ‘Big s’.  Poor baby. If we are in India at least, he would have been with his grandparents, Aunts& Uncles for some or other time.Contrary to that, here he has always been surrounded by his dad or me.

I repeatedly told him for past two days that he is going to go to school. But it seems he never could understand it. Or he could? I don’t know. Thank god he didn’t cry in the daycare. Started to play with the toys when I left him. It was me who crying. I didn’t have the heart to leave him there. I want to be with him always.

I never planned to drop him at daycare or preschool until he turns three and a half or even four years old. Here in U.S, the public schools are allowing only children who completed five years. So no social pressure to put him at preschool on two years itself. So I decided to enroll him next year when he will be almost four. But all of a sudden, due to some personal reasons we enrolled him in the daycare. I was super scared to let him go there.

I was in a dilemma for nearly a month. Then decided it’s for his own good and so did it. Trying to be a strong mom and left him with a smiling face. But when I watched him from the front hall CCTV, where he stared at his class entrance by expecting me, I was in tears.

I didn’t properly sleep yesterday. Was worried to death. I don’t know how he would accommodate to the new environment. How he would manage to cope with his peers. Moreover, I couldn’t imagine what kind of the first day I can expect. As it is going to be his first separation from us, I don’t know whether he would cry for us or happy to see a lot of toys and his age kids.

After reaching the home, it seems and feels empty without my baby’s presence. To divert my mind, I started to clean it. But each and everything reminds him and I wonder what he may do now? If he is at home now, I couldn’t even type this. He will sit on my lap and continuously try to press each and every key on the laptop. My little puppy always around my legs by nagging me for attention. Now the clean calm house seems haunting than pleasing.

The chair and tables are waiting for him to come and be dragged by him. The kitchen counter is waiting for him to sit and watch my cooking. The beds are tidy and look sad without anyone jumping on it. The ‘tricycle’ his recent favorite, seems unhappy without him sitting and hitting on the wall. The pet fish wondered why no one is tapping and looking at him.  I am looking his face everywhere.His smiling face repeatedly flashing in front of my eyes.

What he would do now?grabbing things from other kids?Or playing with the toys? Having his lunch? Still expecting me at his class door? Or crying for mom? The thought of he would cry makes me sadder.

I miss you da chellam. I love you so much I don’t even want to leave you for a second. But my blind love should not be an obstacle to your growth, and so with a heavy heart, I took this decision.These kind of new challenges are better for your development. I hope you will blossom into an amazing boy. I can’t even type more here as my vision is blurred by the tears.

Miss you so so much. Waiting for the clock to strike 12  for your arrival.

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